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WILMINGTON—This week, local man Don Johnson told friends and family he had been struck with a revelation: his “Bored Ape” NFT may not have been a bulletproof investment vehicle, and perhaps he should have diversified his investments a bit.

“I knew real estate, stocks, and gold were all for old fogies, but in hindsight I could have at least dipped a toe into one of the classics.”

“This week’s grocery bill came in high…maybe I can funge part of this monkey? I could always reconnect my landscaping trailer to my pickup truck and fire up the ol’ lawn care business again…maybe I can use blockchain for that?” Eyewitnesses report that Johnson confessed to not quite understanding it all, as he had only learned about NFTs at loud parties where acquanitenances would corner him and shout detailed explanations about minting, Decentralized Autonomous Organizations, and on-chain metadata while his eyes glazed over and he looked around for a potential conversation handoff.

At publishing time, Johnson realized it was a bad strategy to go straight from 100% of his savings being in stocks to 100% of his savings being in NFTs, and it was now time to go all-in on cryptocurrency. Unfortunately, he has not yet transferred any funds to his crypto wallet as he is still unable to find a buyer for his monkey picture.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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