We support our Publishers and Content Creators. You can view this story on their website by CLICKING HERE.

TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe. The warrior women, though proficient in archery and horseback, likely starved to death because they couldn’t get any jars open, say experts.

“There were no refrigerators in the ancient world,” explained Dr. Grastut Miluakee, an anthropology professor at Oxford University. “Most food, if it could not be cured or pickled, had to be eaten promptly. Bread, monkey brains, what have you—would spoil in a matter of days if not hours.”

He continued, “It is likely that they lost a regular source of food and were forced to eat their preserves, which they could not access. The mighty Amazon warriors simply starved to death because they were too stubborn to ask the neighboring Trojans for aid.”

The conclusion reached by a consensus of anthropologists has been criticized for the implication there are distinct biological differences between men and women. It has also been the opinion of some scholars that the tomboyish Amazon women would have at least been able to smash jars open by throwing them against rocks. 

Oxford anthropologists called in a sociologist to explain the apparent difficulty.

“My wife can’t stand it when I break or throw away some jar without asking. She’s always like—’Hey! I could’ve used that for my pickled rhubarb or whatever!’ and then I never hear the end of it,” said Dr. Edward Zieglefroyd. “The Amazons were likely the same.”

“Because they’re women.”

At publishing time, the research has influenced new storylines for the popular Wonder Woman comic book. In the latest issue, she saves the tribe by calling on Kryptonians to help open all their food jars. 


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.


Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube