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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh made a splash in the fashion world Wednesday as he unveiled a new Kevlar judicial robe made by Atomic Defense. A spokesman confirmed the new robe was totally unrelated to recent threats made upon the justice’s life in the wake of an upcoming ruling on abortion rights. 

“Justice Kavanaugh just thought it was time for a fashion change,” the spokesman noted. “The traditional black robes were nice, but he just feels much more comfortable with this new look.” 

In addition to a stylish, slimming look, Kavanaugh’s robe comes with three articulated blast plates, a shockproof helmet and visor, and a zoned armor system guaranteed to meet or exceed current zonal fragmentation protection standards. 

“This is more than just a robe, it’s my new look,” Kavanaugh exclaimed from a secure, undisclosed location. “This thing is so comfortable and roomy, it’s almost like I’m wearing nothing at all. I might just have to wear this thing 24-7 for the next several decades!” 

In unrelated news, Kavanaugh confirmed that his family would be moving from their current home in Chevy Chase, MD to an abandoned underground missile silo somewhere in the Midwest in order to pursue their family dream of not being murdered in their sleep.  


To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.


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