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GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.

“Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s not 666 or 616, it’s $6.66 for your basic Unleaded Petroleum Gasoline!” French Bible scholar Pierre LeGault spoke for the panel of academics that had gathered at Geneva to redress and correct the historic interpretation of the mysterious number in Revelation 13. “Numerology is tough and we’ll be the first to admit we botched this one—but we’re here to make things right!”

The panel answered questions, fleshing out their new interpretation. “It’s felt apocalyptic for a few years now—once we figured out that we had already been enduring the final stages of divine judgment, it all clicked!” Other scholars on the panel concurred, proceeding to roll out a massive end-times prophecy chart culminating in a $6.66 gas ticker on the far right side.

At publishing time, the scholars were scrambling to explain why they shouldn’t be stoned as false prophets despite the gas ticker blasting through the $7 and $8 marks.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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