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AUSTIN, TX—With the stock market crashing and a recession seeming more likely, local crypto investor Sid Sanchez is thankful he can at least still afford imaginary cryptofood and a pretend cryptocar.

“It’s a good thing I invested my entire life savings in crypto! Boy, am I sitting pretty,” said Sanchez. “I have plenty of cryptomoney to fill up my cryptocar with cryptogas, pay cryptorent for my cryptoapartment, and date tons of beautiful cryptowomen!”

Sources say Sanchez is homeless and has eaten nothing to eat but Ramen noodles for weeks, but it still rich in cryptocurrency to fund his lavish crypto life. He’s recommending everyone invest whatever remaining wealth they have into cryptocurrency so at least they can have something they can lay claim to. 

At publishing time, crypto crashed, forcing Sanchez to pawn his slightly used cryptoguitar and cryptojewelry. 

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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