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GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to sources, a tragic breakdown in communication has led to thousands of Whole Foods shoppers being completely unaware that the global pandemic ended 18 months ago.
“I wear my mask to protect those around me. Please maintain a six-foot distance. EEEEEEEEEEE!” said local shopper Sable Channing when asked by a local reporter for comment. “Don’t touch my North Face jacket! Please put your mask up around your nose! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU’RE A GRANDMA KILLER!”
Reports from around the country claim to be finding entire stores full of terrified millenial hipsters still using the social distancing “X” on the floor, donning two or three masks, and wearing fashion scarves all year round for some reason. Shoppers are being warned that any attempt to enter a Whole Foods unmasked could lead to hostile stares or being murdered.
“We have made several attempts to make contact with these out-of-touch primitives, but so far have only been met with primal screeches and thrown heads of cabbage,” said Grand Rapids Police Chief Camden Connors. “We may need more time to practice their language and dialect to reach them.”
At publishing time, experts warned that many Whole Foods shoppers are also unaware that organic food is a scam.
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