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U.S.—In an effort to shed their notoriously creepy image, America’s creepy perverts are rebranding by painting the words “family-friendly” on the sides of their windowless vans.

“We noticed how well it worked for the drag community when they started branding their shows as family-friendly, so we figured, ‘Hey! Why don’t we do the same?'” said local creeper Chester McSveevy. “Now we have progressive parents bringing their kids by the hundreds!”

Progressive experts agree that since words define reality, describing something as “family-friendly” instantly makes it family-friendly. 

“Whether it’s a drag show at a gay bar, a porn book in a school library, or a creepy van driven by a guy named Chester, describing something as “good” automatically makes it good!” said UC Berkley Professor of Philosophy Melvin Diabolos. “Everything is meaningless! I am God! BWAHAHAHAHA!” 

Parents are being urged to get with the times and let their children take rides in creepy windowless “family-friendly” vans unless they want to be called bigots.

Inspired by the news, President Biden assured the nation his sniffing of girls’ hair was also family-friendly.

To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.

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