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MESA, AZ—According to sources, local Christian Ryan Flibber is extremely picky about who he shares the gospel with, as he’s fully aware that he may have to spend all of eternity with them if they get saved.

“I would like to talk to you about the good news of Jesus, but first I have a few questions,” Flibber reportedly said to someone he was witnessing to in a coffee shop. “Do you ever use your leaf blower before 8am on a Saturday? Are you a social justice warrior? Do you like the music of the band CAKE?”

Church leaders confirmed Flibber is deathly afraid of spending eternity next door to someone who’s really annoying, like a nosy neighbor or a vegetarian.

“The Great Commission is clear that we are to preach the gospel to everyone without partiality, and we think this fear of living next to annoying people in heaven is unfounded,” said Flibber’s pastor. “Still, I suddenly realized I might end up in close proximity to Bob Mable from the deacon board when I get to heaven and now I’m terrified.”

Until this theological question is worked out, Flibber says he plans to continue quizzing potential converts about their opinion on important matters such as how often they return their shopping cart, whether they drive slowly in the left lane, and whether they actually like The Last Jedi.

At publishing time, Flibber gasped in horror upon realizing he may someday be in heaven with David French.


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