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SAN DIEGO, CA—With a run time of one-and-a-half minutes, new release Top Gun: Predator shows a drone completing the exact same mission as in Maverick, but way faster.
“This is easily the most realistic Top Gun movie yet,” said Navy pilot Ryan “Mayonnaise” Matthews. “It’s a thirty-second thrill ride, wondering if the pilot will finish his bag of Doritos before the drone blows up the target.”
Producer Tom Cruise said that the script for the new movie really wrote itself after he sat down with actual pilots to get their take on Top Gun Maverick. “The Navy guys just kept asking why there were people in actual airplanes,” said Cruise. “They were adamant their drones could have performed the mission much more safely in under a minute. They also kept asking why we had to use so much body oil for the football scene, saying ‘the Navy is gay enough already.'”
Filmed on-site at a real Navy trailer in the middle of the Nevada desert, Top Gun: Predator still manages to pack a lot of action into its ninety seconds. “You really feel like you are part of the action, watching the pilot absent-mindedly drum his fingers while he completes the raid,” said Cruise. “We replaced the bit characters with literal cardboard cutouts and managed to squeeze in the exact same character arc once again, with Maverick learning to let go of Goose for the third time. He’s getting faster at it. Also, we still have a random person walk up and yell ‘fifth-generation fighter!’ every ten seconds.”
At publishing time, the writer of the new sequel has been banished from friends and family for his apparent low view of Top Gun: Maverick, the greatest cinematic achievement since Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
To celebrate Pride Month, Mattel has released its first-ever pregnant man doll: Pregnant Ken! You can have all sorts of fun with the clearly MALE Ken doll and his pregnant belly! Available wherever non-gender-specific toys are sold.