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CHICAGO, IL—“Gun-Free Zones” have been proposed as a possible solution to gun violence for years. This week, however, critics were quick to point out that the “Gun-Free Zone” signs in Chicago are useless and illegible due to being riddled with bullet holes.
“How am I supposed to read that? It looks like swiss cheese!” said one local high-schooler as he dodged incoming bullets from a drive-by shooting. “Not sure how I can be expected to follow a sign riddled with bullet holes. Besides, Mayor Lightfoot doesn’t enforce the laws around here anyway!”
Not one to stand quietly in the face of mounting criticism, Mayor Lightfoot addressed reporters in a press conference, explaining how “Gun-Free Zones” save lives. “These signs strike terror in the hearts of criminals,” she said. “And then our police depart within 35 minutes of dispatch, arrive at the crime scene within a record 45-75 minutes, depending on additional mayhem along the way!” Despite not being asked, Mayor Lightfoot also declared that Chicago’s tourism industry is at an all-time high due to the city’s reputation for safety.
John Pringle, a hobbyist who monitors police scanner frequencies, added context to Mayor Lightfoot’s statement, saying that despite being overrun, Chicago police are legendary for quick response times, at least considering their level of overwhelm. “I’ll hear the scanner operator put out an APB on an in-progress armed robbery, and sometimes a unit will report that they’ve been dispatched within hours…sometimes even somewhat less than an hour!”
At publishing time, Lightfoot allocated 80 million dollars to replace schools’ “Gun-Free Zone” signs and cover them with bulletproof shields.
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