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BERNARD, ME—Thurston’s Lobster Pound, a popular seafood restaurant on the Maine coast, was put on high alert Friday after one of the lobsters in the live tank threatened employees and patrons with bodily harm. The only thing standing in the way of certain doom was a pair of thin rubber straps that kept the lobster from opening its claws.

According to sources, Lord Klawmarsh was taken from his ancestral lands after becoming trapped in a metal abomination crafted by the dark deeds of air-breathers. His sudden disappearance reportedly left his land in chaos as his 8,043 children warred against each other for control.

“Mark my vow, air-breather! I will tear this place apart as soon as I get these dang rubber bands off my mighty claws!” squealed the lobster, known as Lord Klawmarsh, in its lobster language. “There shall be a great cry on the dry land, such as there has never been, nor ever will be again!”

The restaurant’s manager revealed that Lord Klawmarsh attempted to spark a shellfish revolt but the other lobsters had grown docile with diminished hope.

“Join me, brothers and sisters! Let us cast off the rubber of bondage and eat those who would dare to eat us! We shall make their homes desolate and their name a curse to all into eternity!” Lord Klawmarsh implored.

The lobster’s plan was foiled by Vincent Castle, a customer celebrating his 50th birthday.

“Mmmm, that one looks good!” said Castle. “With extra butter, please!”

At publishing time, Lord Klawmarsh was delicious.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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