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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to White House sources, President Biden tuned in to the latest White House press conference this afternoon in an attempt to find out what his policy positions are.

“Ahhh so that’s what I believe! I couldn’t remember!” said Biden to the flatscreen hanging on the wall as the Press Secretary outlined Biden’s opinion on gun control. “Darnit, man, that Karine Jean-Pierre is quite a looker! Too bad she’s one of them ‘LGBTs’ or she might go for me!” Biden then winked and elbowed a potted plant he mistook for one of his assistants.

Biden is being encouraged by aides to watch the White House press briefings every day in between his nap and snack time. They hope this practice will be effective at reminding him what his positions are and how to articulate them, as well as what his name is.

At publishing time, Biden has agreed to watch more briefings as long as that “classy dame Jean-Pierre” shows up each time.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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