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WASHINGTON—After statements on LGBTQ+ inclusion from the Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marine Corps, and Space Force, the Navy has responded with their own statement boasting that they’re gay all year and not just during Pride month.

“You’re committed to diversity and celebrating queerness in June? That’s cute, honey. WE’RE GAY ALL YEAR.” A representative for the Navy popped his heel to emphasize the statement, tilting his silly navy hat in a manner eyewitness described as “flirtatious.” 

The representative elaborated further: “You have a page on your website claiming dedication to gayness? Wooooow, amazing. WE HAVE ENTIRE AIRCRAFT CARRIERS FULL OF GAY.” Sources confirmed a “Z-Snap” formation followed this declaration.

“All hands the poop deck! There’s scuttlebutt from stern to starboard, from bow to port, if you catch my drift.” Sources confirm incessant winking and shoulder-baring from the otherwise burly Navy representative, and independent reports have added that dozens of sailors joined the Navy representative for a song-and-dance routine that seemed spontaneous but was suspiciously well-coordinated, even more so after revelations that all the sailors were wearing breakaway pants.

At publishing time, the official Twitter account for the U.S. Space Force updated its logo to include rainbow lightsabers, causing George Lucas to roll over in his bed of million-dollar bills.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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