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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a much-anticipated speech on the troubling rise in gas prices, President Biden said we might as well just keep raising the prices until the price counter spins all the way back to zero.

“Listen, folks, It’s too late to lower gas prices. No one knows how to do that,” said the President. “So we’re just gonna keep raising those prices higher until all the little number signs on the price boards go back to zero! Those signs can only go up to $9.99, so we’re already almost there!” 

In order to speed the process along, the Administration announced plans to do exactly what they’ve been doing all along, as that seems to be working nicely. “Before we know it, gas will be free, Jack!” said Biden excitedly. 

Pete Buttigieg condemned the plan, however, as $0.00 gas will result in lower tax revenue for demolishing racist bridges.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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