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NASHVILLE, TN—Only a few minutes after the verdict was read in the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, conservative media company The Daily Wire announced they have uncanceled the now infamous celebrity and signed a contract with her for several new movies and shows. 

“Cancel culture is out of hand, but The Daily Wire is striking back,” said CEO and grooming product salesman Jeremy Boreing. “The mainstream media thought they could destroy the career of this brilliant and charming woman, but Hollywood’s loss is our gain. Take THAT, woke Hollywood!” 

According to sources, Heard will star in her own podcast as well as three new Daily Wire-produced sequels to The Hyperions

“I’m… so grateful… to be a part… of the Daily Wire team,” said Heard, pausing unnaturally several times and making odd facial expressions as she spoke before snorting a line of cocaine. “I’ll really try not to crap the bed on this opportunity.” 

At publishing time, Heard had already alleged abuse and harassment by Ben Shapiro.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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