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WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has put on her angry eyebrows after hearing that her husband was arrested for drunk driving over the holiday weekend.

“Yes, I am very angry, as you can see by my very expressive eyebrows,” said Pelosi to reporters. “My husband is being unfairly mistreated. He was totally fine to drive! My blood alcohol is twice the legal limit at all times and I can drive no problem! Good morning, Sunday morning!”

Pelosi was allegedly in Rhode Island at the time of the accident drinking a gallon of wine when the news broke, but was unable to make an official statement until the following day due to a massive hangover.

A spokesperson for Nancy Pelosi confirmed that she was “ashamed and embarrassed” that her husband was arrested because “don’t they know who I am?” In addition, her spokesperson has claimed the comically angry eyebrows are a form of peaceful protest against the Napa County police department, which Pelosi now intends to defund.

At publishing time, Pelosi scrubbed away her eyebrows after a miscommunication in which Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took one look at Pelosi’s face and thought she intended to murder her again. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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