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MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—From his coastal estate that will probably be underwater in ten years, former President Barack Obama issued a statement today encouraging Americans to honor Memorial Day by remembering the sacrifice of George Floyd.

The statement read in part, “We mark this somber occasion by celebrating a who hero gave his all so that all Americans can be free to know what horrible racists they all are.”

“All other American achievements fade into insignificance in comparison to this titan who was almost the greatest figure in our history, second only to the first African-American president, who reshaped our country with revolutionary ideas like the Cash for Clunkers program and the Obamacare website, acclaimed by website historians as the greatest website that ever was. [See attached 8×10 glossy of Barack Obama staring thoughtfully at computer.]”

Racist Americans everywhere expressed appreciation for the sentiments of the former president. Laid-off baby formula factory worker James Reily echoed the views of many by saying, “Memorial Day is one of those holidays where it’s easy to get caught up in the insignificant things, like bar-b-q’s and laying flowers at the graves of fallen soldiers. I’m glad President Obama took the time to remind everyone of the most important things about America, which is that we’re terrible, and we elected Barack Obama. Twice.”


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.


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