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LOS ANGELES, CA—With nothing to do during basketball playoffs, LeBron James turned on a hockey game and was shocked to see players somehow getting back to their feet after being knocked over.

“This makes no sense!” said a bewildered LeBron. “No tears, no waiting to be carried to a wheelchair, they just literally stand back up and keep playing. How is this possible??”

Much to LeBron’s astonishment, he then witnessed a fistfight break out as two players repeatedly punched each other in the teeth. “Foul! Foul!” cried LeBron, tears streaming down his face. “Why doesn’t he go complain to the ref? Or just curl up in a protective ball? Animals!” he shouted. The two players then proceeded to laugh it off and keep playing, further baffling Mr. James.

According to his team, LeBron is currently laid up at home rehabilitating from an injury suffered at the grocery store. “I was in the candy section looking around when a lady accidentally dropped a pack of Lemonheads on my foot,” said LeBron. “I think I blacked out from the pain. I was down on aisle twelve for a good twenty minutes before they were able to lift me into a scooter.”

At publishing time, LeBron had gone down again with a finger cramp after trying to change the channel and is reportedly still rolling around on his living room floor.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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