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U.S.—People across the nation are showing new signs of unity as they come together in the wake of horrible tragedy to engage in the traditional ritual of arguing and hating each other.

Experts warn that, if left unchecked, this united spirit may spread to other countries and bring about a hateful New World Order.

“I am so sick and tired of Democrats!” said Bradley O’Malley, a radicalized Texas Republican who thinks people being killed is a bad thing. “They are destroying our country!”

“UGH!” lamented Audrey Seafire, a Democrat who also hates it when people die. “Republicans are burning our country to the ground! The party of Lincoln? More like the party of deeeeaaaaaaath!”

A new CNN poll has revealed that all Americans agree there’s way too much violence and that it’s definitely someone else’s fault other than their own.

President Biden has welcomed this apparent show of unity. “I have fulfilled my promise to unite the people of America! Everyone is united by a shared hatred of everyone else!” he said to a mob of protesters. “You’re welcome, folks!”

The President then shuffled back into his living room to finish an episode of Matlock.

At publishing time the nation was on the brink of a civil war but it was called off since everything is too expensive.


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.


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