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BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Chastity Cheryldyne, a local yoga instructor who lives in a guest house adjacent to her parent’s mansion, woke up Tuesday morning and suddenly realized she needed all the stuff that famed organizing consultant Marie Kondo told her to throw out six months ago.

Marie Kondo, star of Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, is known for her KonMari method of organization which entails discarding items that don’t “spark joy.” Unfortunately, Cheryldyne realized much too late that she threw away almost everything because she’s routinely depressed and nothing brings her joy.

“I don’t think the system works,” said Cheryldyne regarding the KonMari method. “Maybe Marie thought I’d find joy in more than I did, but I only like my fake house plant. It adds a little greenery to the place.”

To date, Chastity Cheryldyne has thrown out her fridge because diet food makes her sad, her car keys because hurting the environment makes her angry, and almost all her belongings because they reminded her of her ex-boyfriend Dirk Ashley.

“I think Marie started to panic when every item she brought out caused me to cry,” admitted Cheryldyne.

At publishing time, Chastity Cheryldyne has filled her life with more material things and found that she’s still not happy. But she does at least have a toothbrush.


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