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Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn’t a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might have a rare disease with a low transmission rate.

Think you might have it? Diagnose yourself by consulting these symptoms:

1) A mild headache: Run for your life! YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD!

2) You’ve been to England in the last six months: You might also be British, which is another problem altogether.

3) Italian plumbers make you FURIOUS: Throwing all those barrels is making you super buff, though.

4) You pick a bug out of your wife’s hair and eat it: Helpful but gross. Don’t do that.

5) You become confused and angry every time you see a monolith: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

6) All of your pants are at the tailor to have a hole added for your tail: If you haven’t figured it out by now—you’re a monkey. Sad.

7) You just got back from a tour of Dr. Fauci’s Wuhan Monkeypox Lab: Duct tape is not a valid tool for air sealing a room against viral infection.

8) A tiny monkey bursts out of your chest: If you had the vaccine, the monkey would have exploded out of your body but in a slightly more mild way.

9) You insist that selectively bred bananas are evidence of creation: An atheist’s nightmare! Mic drop! 

10) Zero symptoms: Better quarantine just to be safe.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what your symptoms are, if you die, you’ll be recorded as a monkeypox statistic.

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