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WICHITA, KS—Researchers have confirmed that a dad’s bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum.

The effect appears to be universal, impacting every noise from sneezing to belching. Contrary to other members of society, being in public only seems to make it worse, adding another 15 decibels.

“The results speak for themselves,” said Dr. John Avagard. “A newly minted father snoring through the newborn phase produces the same noise level as a dishwasher. Within four years, his dozing is par with a garbage disposal—and by the time the kids leave the house, mom is essentially sleeping next to a Boeing 747. We also noted that once a certain age threshold is crossed, Dad must begin all sentences by clearing his throat, which starts off like a growl and eventually sounds like a pro tennis player giving one of those primal screams.”

Families are often caught off guard by the surprising change in volume. “Yesterday, I heard this awful, pained screaming from the other room, I ran in thinking my Dad had really hurt himself,” said local high-schooler Cabe Bennett. “Turns out he was just trying to get out of the recliner. And his yawns! One of them literally shook the pictures on the dresser, like some kind of earthquake. This can’t be normal.” 

At publishing time, Cabe had run outside to the apparent sound of a motorcycle revving on their driveway, but it was only his Dad farting.

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