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SPOKANE, WA—Local toddler Lance Wigglestein has completely lost faith in the existence of all-powerful, all-loving parents after they callously took away the really fun knife he was playing with.

According to sources, the three-year-old was perfectly happy as he waved a steak knife in the air and ran through the house at top speed. Out of nowhere, his mother screamed for no apparent reason, ran across the room with a terrifying expression on her face, and wrenched the knife out of his little hands without even asking. Horrible!

“After this crushing, pointless tragedy in my life, I have a very hard time believing in all-loving parents,” said Lance through a translator. “I have never experienced such heartbreak. And where was my father? If he was as powerful as he claims to be, he would have stopped it. If mother was as loving as she claims to be, she never would have done this.”

“It appears I am truly alone in the universe.”

According to studies, millions of toddlers are losing faith in parents at a record rate as parents take away knives, prevent forks from entering light sockets, and even say “no” to having ice cream for dinner. Some are losing faith in the very existence of parents altogether.

“Parents are clearly a figment of my imagination I conjured up to make sense of my cruel, pointless existence,” said Lance after his parents took a delicious dog turd out of his mouth. 


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!


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