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MESOPOTAMIA—After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work.

Sources close to the boat ship enthusiast confirmed that his family begged him for the animals, but then he ended up being the one to care for and play with them for their months and months on the ark.

“The kids nagged me for centuries on end, demanding ‘two of every kind’ and promising they’d be 100% responsible for animal upkeep.” According to sources, Noah grew agitated as he spoke. “I can hear their little voices now: ‘Daaaaad, I promise that we’ve worked out all the details for animal care between us – you won’t need to do anything! Me, Ham, and Japeth will each clean up after an entire phylum. Pleeeeeease?’ But surprise surprise, when time came to feed, water, and clean up hundreds of square cubits of elephant poop, those deadbeat kids were nowhere to be found!”

Noah said that he did relent and adopt a male and female of each animal after its kind, but only after growing resentful after his children complained for several centuries. “It’s just like when I built most of the ark – just as I got momentum, Ham would smash his thumb with a mallet, Shem would need help sharpening the shark-tooth saw, and Japeth would need me to clean him up after he’d get all sticky with pitch! I said ‘fine, but you have to do it’ – and look where we are now.” Noah spoke to reporters while lugging gallons of feed to the “mammalian” section of the ark on his state-of-the-art wheelbarrow.

At publishing time, Noah admitted that he did love the animals, and spent the most time playing fetch with the mammoths.


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!


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