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Ladies, if you really want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, you need to be a hard worker, clean the house, take care of the kids, and make lots of sandwiches. This means you need to make efficient use of your free time.

So, when your husband goes to the restroom, you know you’ve got hours on end to yourself to get stuff done. Here are a few simple tasks you can accomplish before his phone finally runs out of battery or his legs fall asleep and he decides to emerge.


1. Shiplap the entire house – Don’t let a single square inch of regular wall remain.

2. Read your Bible. The whole thing – Genesis to Revelation. Add the Apocrypha if your husband is taking extra long this morning.

3. Watch all three Lord of the Rings movies – Extended editions, of course.

4. Make a sacred pilgrimage to Waco, Texas to pick up some home decor at Chip and Joanna Gaines’s Magnolia Market – You’ll be back with time to spare.

5. Write a novel – Your hubby will be so proud of you when he gets out of the bathroom.

6. Try to understand your husband’s hobbies by setting up and playing an entire game of Axis & Allies: Global 1940 – It’s important to get invested in each other’s lives.

7. Demo all the shiplap you installed because you decide you hate it and replace with trendier board and batten walls – Shiplap is OUT.

8. Join and subsequently burn out on a pyramid scheme – Your husband’s bathroom trips should give you plenty of time to join a work-from-home business, alienate all your friends and family, and then burn out on it and frantically try to offload all your product.

9. Build a chicken coop, buy some chicks, watch them grow into hens, collect eggs as they enjoy a full and fulfilled life, fry chicken for dinner – He’ll be hungry after his bathroom trip, after all.

10. Learn a new skill like ballroom dancing or parallel parking – Take a class at the local community college!

11. Buy and murder several dozen house plants – Your husband’s trip to the restroom should provide ample time to buy dozens of house plants, neglect them, and watch them die a slow, painful death.

12. Await the return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ – Jesus should return before your husband does.


We hope you’ve redeemed the time well, for a happier home where you can live, laugh, and love!


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!


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