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CLAREMONT, CA—A small thrift shop in downtown Claremont has rebranded itself as “vintage” to increase prices by up to 800%. Business experts are calling the rebrand a genius marketing move that will drive sales.

“My shop wasn’t doing so well,” said shop owner Amber Clarofil. “Our sales numbers were good but everything was so cheap that we couldn’t break even. It was an unsustainable business model.”

She continued, “That’s why we rebranded as vintage to justify the massive price gouging I’ve always dreamed of.”

According to sources, items that would normally sell for 1 or 2 dollars, such as used coffee pots or broken VCR sets, are now selling for hundreds of dollars. The store is also popular among collectors looking for broken toys and oversized t-shirts.

Clarofil claims the rebrand was simple. She simply wrote the word “vintage” on a piece of cardboard, taped it over the word “thrift,” and then added two zeros to every price tag.

“I wish I’d thought of it sooner,” said Clarofil. “I’ve already made a cool million.”

Longtime visitors to the store from before the rebrand are reportedly suspicious of the new premium on items.

“I’m pretty sure this cracked coffee cup only cost 25 cents last week,” said 93-year-old Joan Phillips who visits the store every day as part of her afternoon walk around town. “But I never buy anything anyway.”

At publishing time, Amber Clarofil sold a used trade paperback of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park for $3,500. The same book retails brand-new at Barnes and Noble for $8.99.


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!


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