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FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Researchers at the University of Arkansas have confirmed that the more products people order from conservative podcasts, the more likely they are to make it through the apocalypse.
“The survival gear these people possess is simply unmatched,” said sociologist Dr. Bennett Hill. “There’s not a military in the world equipped like a conservative podcast junkie.”
The researchers presented participants with various survival scenarios to ascertain their level of preparedness. “You tell them there’s no ammunition, they chuckle and pull out a ‘Build-Your-Own Ammo American Hero Kit’,” said Dr.Hill. “No water? They have a ‘Davy Crockett Desalinator’ to make ocean water potable. I’m telling you—generators, imperishable ‘Patriot’ food, everything. I asked one man how he would defend against electromagnetic pulse attacks, and he pulls out a ‘Ben Shapiro’s America-First Electronic Shield’. The zombies will have no chance.”
In addition to those who listen exclusively to conservative podcasts, the team also included participants who purchase products from liberal, sports, and true crime podcasts. The sports subgroup kept 14 types of whey powder on hand, and the true-crime arm had plenty of hair dye and pairs of MeUndies—but both were otherwise poorly prepared. The liberal subgroup actually fared slightly better as they at least had a week’s worth of meals on hand from Hello Fresh.
The researchers have recommended that if you are not one of those conservative-podcast-survivalist types, you should probably become friends with at least one—just in case.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!