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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Paper straws in the Golden City will now come with a 15-second self-destruct timer to help customers understand how close they are to having their straw dissolve into a pile of useless goo. The helpful timers come by way of a city-wide mandate authorized by San Francisco Mayor London Breed.

In a statement to the press, Mayor Breed informed voters the new self-destruct timers were designed to limit complaints about the hugely unpopular paper straws. “No one likes paper straws because of how they become utterly useless so quickly. Your government has heard you! We are now including a self-destruct countdown timer with every straw so that you’ll know exactly how much time you have to drink your beverage—which is exactly 15 seconds.”

“This is going to save so many sea turtles, you guys!”

Voters have reportedly responded to the new and improved paper straws by immediately chucking them into the ocean for fear that the straws are going to explode in their faces. Experts believe this is a result of problematic messaging from the city government because most people hear “self-destruct” and think of explosions.

Fortunately, the paper straws have not killed any turtles because they are paper and worthless. However, an uptick in the litter had decimated the sea otter population.


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don’t like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”!


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