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HOUSTON, TX—While guzzling alcohol in the wee hours of the morning has become frowned upon in broader society, such conventions still go out the window the moment one sets foot inside an airport bar.

“I would of course never have a drink before 5 p.m., but you see now I’m in an airport,” said local accountant Paul Busaro as he bellied up to the bar. “Let me just finish my morning bagel and cappuccino and then it will be SHOTS!! SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS!!” he yelled in his best Lil’ Jon impression.

Though traditional morning cocktails are served, airport bartender Rod Sterling reported that people are really there to gulp down Bud Light and cheap liquor. “I used to bartend down at O’Charley’s, but getting home at 3 a.m. was getting old,” said Sterling. “Now I come in at 6 a.m., tap the keg, and those animals have it floated by 7:30!”

Experts theorize that the reason people love drinking in airports is that it helps deaden the nerves and the inhibitions just enough to make soul-crushing airline flights somewhat bearable.

“Flying is scientifically proven to be one of the most hellish and dehumanizing experiences endured by modern humans,” said researcher Franz Gorbenheinz. “We recommend at least three drinks before getting on a plane.”

Airports are now one of the last places on earth where it’s socially acceptable to drink at 9 am, joined only by Catholic mass. 

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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