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Look out, Florida! Gov Ron DeSantis just signed some super-based executive orders to own the libs! Awwwww yeeeaaaaaah!

Here are some of the most notable:

1) Disney must build two more Space Mountains so there’s never a line: I mean, come on.

2) Olive garden must give out three times as many of those little chocolate mints at the end of the meal: This is just good business sense.

3) All airline pilots in Florida must high-five before their flight and say “I have the need—the need for speed”: Should improve safety in the danger zone.

4) Blippi to be shot on sight: No quarter for enemies of the state!

5) Cardio: Banned.

6) TikTok: Banned.

7) Leggings as pants: Double banned.

8) Lord of the Rings added to high school English curriculum: A Tomb Bombadill after-school program will be set up for at-risk youths.

9) All tea must be sweet: Unsweetened tea to be dumbed in the ocean.

10) Games of “Hide ‘N Seek” must be counted using 100 MISSISSIPPI’s: Florida shall be a state of law and order!

11) Theatrical releases to feature special Florida cut: Basically the same as the Chinese cut but without in a language normal people speak.

12) The Babylon Bee gains self-governing status: Dope!


This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?


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