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PACIFIC PALISADES, CA—After the spectacular crash in the cryptocurrency market this week, Matt Damon and his publicists worked overtime to produce a new commercial to apologize for convincing amateurs to invest in cryptocurrency.
“History is filled with ‘almosts’ – and my crypto commercial was almost a good idea.” In the new commercial, Damon speaks while walking under a freeway underpass, then past a tent city, then stepping over newly-bankrupted derelicts.
“I had been seeking another space script since ‘The Martian,’ so my heart skipped a beat when I heard this ad would say ‘fortune favors the brave’ and show astronauts walking around! I was excited to embrace the moment, but I should have considered my responsibility as a trusted public figure like Tom Hanks, Bill Gates, or Will Smith.”
Many first-time crypto investors took to Twitter, complaining that they had waited to sink their family savings accounts into cryptocurrency until a celebrity told them to be bold. “I was waiting to buy until the peak, to be sure of proven value–and when you gave that speech over swelling music, it convinced me to bet the college fund. Thanks a lot, Matt!”
Twitter user @0wnCrypt0N00bs54321 concurred, sharing his astute strategy: “My crypto portfolio cratered, so I’ll sell off the rest now–sell the trough to cut your losses!”
At publishing time, Matt Damon has signed on for a commercial about NFTs, but multiple production assistants are still trying to explain it to him.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?