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CONWAY, AR—Authorities discovered an incapacitated father Thursday night while following up on reports of a possible domestic disturbance. A father of five, identified as Aaron Wittle, was reportedly unable to help his wife with the kids because his legs fell asleep while he was on the toilet, leading to a heated exchange between the couple.

According to sources, Tricia Wittle called out to her husband for help after their youngest child, age 3, broke down in despair because he saw a moth.

“He told me he’d be just a minute—that he was ‘almost done’,” recounted Tricia. “But he never came! I didn’t know what to do!”

Aaron, who had been trying to solve the daily Wordle while using the toilet, reportedly tried to quickly finish up and help his wife but claimed his legs were “all tingly” and “like needles,” which experts say is severely uncomfortable.

“Look, I would have helped if I could but I was completely and totally disabled. I can’t walk with prickly legs. It feels weird!” Aaron insisted.

“This must be how quadriplegics feel.”

Mrs. Wittle disputes her husband’s claim that there was nothing he could do, insisting that if he stopped playing on his phone he wouldn’t be in the bathroom for so long. Mr. Wittle was reportedly “cut to the quick” by his wife’s assertion.

“I’d never ask her to walk on sleepy legs,” said Aaron. “What happened to the loving woman I married?”

Later that night Aaron tried to “get romantic” with his wife, but she was unable as her arms had fallen asleep.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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