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U.S.—After having their homes surrounded by hordes of bloodthirsty commie protestors, the five originalist judges on the Supreme Court reached out for protection from the government, but were denied. Left with no other choice, they have activated the Kyle Rittenhouse signal to summon America’s sharpshooting protector before it’s too late. 

“Rittenhouse, watchful protector of jurisprudence! Dark Knight of Kenosha! Save us!” said Justice Alito as he flipped a giant switch in his basement, causing a blinding spotlight to shine a likeness of Kyle Rittenhouse in the clouds. “You are our only hope!”

Rittenhouse, who was just about to give a speech at the Young Based Americans For Butt-Kicking Freedom Convention, looked up at the sky and sighed. “I’m sorry citizens, but I’m needed elsewhere,” he said to the crowd. He then donned his backward baseball cap, picked up his trusty AR-15, and disappeared into the night.

According to eyewitnesses, the rage-filled pro-aborts outside the justices’ houses saw the light in the sky and quickly dispersed, as they had learned to fear the night. 

With the crisis averted, Justice Kavanaugh then invited Kyle into his house to play beer pong.


This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?


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