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PALM BEACH, FL—The nation can breathe a sigh of relief today as former President Trump announced he has been stockpiling baby formula for seven years after being warned in a dream of the coming shortage.
“I have so many silos filled, it’s unbelievable,” said President Trump as he cracked open a fresh can. “Absolutely the best formula, ready for Sleepy Joe’s total disaster of a famine. Plus, the taste is incredible—all the babies are saying they just love it.”
Years ago, Trump had awoken disturbed by an unusual dream and reportedly convened his closest advisers to ascertain its meaning.
“This dream, it was so remarkable, I was standing there, on the banks of the Potomac, when out of the river come seven of the fattest babies you have ever seen!” said Mr. Trump. “I mean, whoa! These babies had more chins than Rosie O’Donnell, ok? They were wonderful babies though, really beautiful. But then, these seven scrawny babies also come out of the water, and let me tell you, I had never seen such ugly babies anywhere in the world. And I have seen a lot of ugly babies, believe me!”
Trump’s team puzzled for hours over how to interpret the strange dream when at last it dawned on Mr. Trump himself. “It was so easy, really. The fat ones showed how America’s babies would be so happy and chubby having me as president but would be hungry and ugly whenever some loser took over after me. So I took it upon myself to save up food because I don’t ever want to see a baby that ugly in real life.”
“Anyway, I have secured only the best baby formula for American babies for seven years and stored them in these big, beautiful silos—great silos, they really are, and I told them that, really great, American-made silos.”
After hearing that Trump had, yet again, saved America, Joe Biden signed an executive order banning baby formula and silos, then calling Trump “The Super Emperor Of The MAGA Universe.”
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?