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CHATTANOOGA, TN—Harry Splugwarp, a deacon at Straight & Narrow Church, began searching the scriptures fervently for Jesus’ teaching about funding Lockheed Martin following House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s comments that funding a war in a foreign land was tantamount to feeding someone who was hungry.
“Jesus says a lot about love and repentance, but I don’t see anything about funding missiles, drones—or the assassination of top generals for that matter,” said Splugwarp, criticizing the words of Speaker Pelosi.
“I mean, I guess if you read it with the assumption words don’t have any meaning…. then maybe….”
Splugwarp reportedly reached out to church leadership for guidance with this apparent scriptural difficulty. Curiously, he received different answers depending on whether he spoke to a Republican or Democrat.
“Context is important,” explained elder John Pole, a based Republican. “Missiles didn’t even exist in the first century! Pelosi has a lot to learn about historical context and necessary inference!”
“Not so fast!” interjected elder Frank Franz, a longtime Democratic voter. “We need to obey the governing authorities. Besides, she probably knows what she’s talking about. Believe all women!”
“That’s also out of context!” argued elder Pole.
Witnesses then claim the pair agreed to disagree and never resolved the matter.
Speaker Pelosi, made aware of evangelical criticism, doubled down on her earlier sentiments.
“Jesus told people that if they fed others they were really feeding him,” said Pelosi, bravely embracing her religious beliefs for a convenient purpose. “And if we fund deadly weapons to kill the enemies of Ukraine that’s like funding deadly weapons to kill the enemies of Jesus himself! I’m a Christian!”
At publishing time, Harry Splugwarp began searching the scriptures for references to Russia and Ukraine, deciding that it was “probably in Revelation somewhere—I don’t know.”
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?