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KYIV—This Wednesday, reports poured in that thousands of babies have been smuggling themselves into Ukraine dressed as Ukrainian soldiers. The refugee infants say they are seeking leftovers from the federal aid Biden has sent to the war-torn country.

“Waah waah waaaaah!” Baby translators at the border were able to render one newborn’s helpless wails into English for reporters. “This baby says he’s a battle-hardened Ukrainian commando and he wants some formula.”

Other babies at the border concurred, with the oldest baby speaking for the group through a baby translator. “We trust our leaders to prioritize aid distribution well, as they did with billions to promote worldwide gender equity, billions in weapons as a going-away present for the Taliban in Afghanistan, or this breathtaking act of generosity amid America’s most severe recession in years.”

The baby spokesperson admitted that the choice to leave America was difficult, but that they knew it was the right choice. “It was hard to leave our families, but when Biden made it clear that Ukraine was the place to go for help, we didn’t ask questions!”

At publishing time, Biden celebrated that U.S. families now rid of burdensome babies could afford to contribute more in taxes to repay trillions for “Build Back Better” infrastructure spending. When asked about helping babies directly, he said “Best I can do is federal funding for abortion.”


This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?


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