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CHEVY CHASE, MARYLAND—Following the leak of the Supreme Court opinion that could overturn Roe V. Wade, hundreds of abortion advocates traveled to protest outside the homes of the conservative Justices. As the outraged mob closed in on Brett Kavanaugh’s home, he was left with only one choice to ease the tensions: throw a good old-fashioned kegger.
“WHO’S READY FOR AN EPIC RAGER?!” shouted Justice Kavanaugh bursting out of his front door carrying a keg full of beer overhead. “Time to get this party started. Let the beer bash begin! WHOO!”
According to sources, the angry, riled-up crowd was so confused by this move they forgot entirely what they were mad about in the first place. The next thing they knew Kavanaugh was handing out red solo cups, bumping a sick playlist, and starting up a game of beer pong. “Did he just…aren’t we supposed to be—,” stuttered Amanda Ferguson, a Kavanaugh protestor who was moments before there to intimidate, and harass the Justice and his family. “This is actually… pretty fun… I guess… I guess this guy’s alright!”
As the night went on, the crowd continued getting absolutely sloshed with Justice Kavanaugh. Witnesses claim at one point Kavanaugh jumped off the roof and landed a massive cannonball nearly draining the entire pool. “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” they shouted as Brett hopped up on the table executing a flawless kegstand. “I can’t believe I wanted to burn this guy’s house down. This man is an absolute legend.”
At publishing time, just as they were all about to do jello shots with Brett, someone yelled “cops!” forcing everyone to scram. The protestors later decided to protest at Justice Amy Coney Barrett’s home but were greeted with fresh-baked cookies and juice boxes.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?