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PALM BEACH, FL—Former President Donald Trump has declared his very first move after victory in 2024 will be to make himself head of the new Disinformation Governance Board.

“Nobody knows disinformation more than do, and we’re gonna get rid of it,” said Trump. “The moment our great nation finally gets rid of Sleepy Joe—who has done so many terrible things—your favorite President will get right to work getting rid of the FAKE NEWS. And with the power of the Disinformation Governance Board, I will make everyone tell the truth about a certain STOLEN ELECTION!” 

Sources close to Trump say there are several areas of online disinformation the President is looking forward to settling once he becomes the arbiter of truth. He plans to tackle diverse issues ranging from ‘Russian collusion’ to ‘whether a hot dog is a sandwich.’

“We are going to make the internet great again, it will be tremendous,” said Trump from his Mar-A-Lago club. “Everyone will finally have to agree I beat Sleepy Joe in all 50 states. There will be no more COVID, only ‘Wuhan Flu’. No more dumb people talking about LeBron being better than Jordan, or wondering which President has done the most for Christians and African Americans. The truth will beautiful!”

At publishing time, President Trump added that will also settle the debate between In-N-Out and Whataburger once and for all by making everyone eat a Big Mac and declaring both sides “complete and total losers.”

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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