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CONSTANTINOPLE—Orthodox Star Wars fans have reportedly begun preparations for Star Wars Day, which they say occurs on May 11th. They view the more popular “May the 4th” as a valid holiday on a heretical day.
Orthodox Star Wars Day is celebrated similarly to its “May the 4th” twin, but all the decorations have “May the 11th Be With You” printed on them. Orthodox fans also do not recognize the prequel or sequel trilogies and consider the expanded universe (collection of novels under the ‘Legends’ brand) as part of the Star Wars canon.
“Boba Fett’s real name is Jaster Mereel!” orthodox fans can often be heard shouting on May the 11th.
The lack of pun in the holiday’s name famously caused Mark Hamil, who portrayed Luke Skywalker, to pull his support from any fan events related to the orthodox holiday.
“It’s quite simple,” explained Boris Stojakavich, a patriarch amongst orthodox fans. “Typical Star Wars fans are on the Gregorian Calendar instituted by the Catholic church. We are on the Galactic Standard Calendar—the actual calendar of the Star Wars galaxy—so the holiday occasionally lags behind the schismatic fans.”
“So you see—our timeline is correct. May the 11th be with you!”
When reached for comment, Lucasfilm head Kathleen Kennedy only said that there is one Star Wars Day recognized by the company. “And even if they had a valid claim it doesn’t matter. I AM STAR WARS!” raged Kennedy.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?