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EL SEGUNDO, CA—This morning, Mattel announced the launch of a new Barbie-themed toy: a pregnant Ken doll. The move has been hailed as an exciting step forward for trans inclusion.

“Everyone needs to see themselves in their toys,” said Mattel executive Andrew Schiewe. “For too long, pregnant boys have been excluded. Today, this finally changes. We are pleased to announce the summer rollout of Pregnant Ken!”

According to reports, the gathered press pool in front of Mattel’s headquarters applauded and whooped for several minutes at Schiewe’s announcement, after which he was able to resume speaking. “All kinds of kids need toys for self-expression: small kids and big kids, sweet kids and nasty kids, poor kids and white kids, as our President says.”

After the reporters from The Washington Post and The Atlantic had to be asked to settle down, Mr. Schiewe spoke again, this time to elaborate on Pregnant Ken’s accessories. “Paternity pants, ginger gum for morning sickness, and even postpartum lotion are all sold separately. We emphasize that Ken needs holistic pregnancy care, even for the ‘4th trimester’ when he needs extra support as he adjusts to his new role as a birthing person.”

At publishing time, Mattel had announced a hurried rollout of the new Abortionist Ken, to satisfy pro-choice groups who complained on Twitter about birthing people being put on a pedestal.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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