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LONDON—A new film in the popular James Bond franchise has reportedly been ruined by the casting of a female in the role of agent 007 because she keeps stopping and asking for directions in the middle of car chases. The untitled film, which began shooting earlier this year, has not been well received by test audiences.
“Hey, excuse me sir, do you know the way to Spectre’s super-secret hideout?” says the new girl Bond in one scene as villain cars begin to catch up with her. “My cell phone ran out of batteries and I think I took a wrong turn! Tee hee!”
Unknown actress Jennifer Yates has stepped into the role of James Bond and brings a slew of new female enhancements to the role. In addition to disruptive chase sequences, the female Bond will be unable to use Q gadgets and will become emotionally attached to everyone she sleeps with, causing her to hand over state secrets and act surprised when they betray her—just like Daniel Craig’s James Bond did.
According to sources, Amazon Executive Chairman Jeff Bezos is not concerned with the troubling reactions to an early cut of the film. “Amazon is now co-owner of the James Bond franchise. We have every right to take this series and make it completely unrecognizable to longtime fans.”
“Besides,” he continued, “if you hate it that just means you hate women.”
Rumors persist that the new film will also feature a female villain, a female Q, and a trans M.
“We’ve already had a female M,” said producer Barbara Broccoli. “Judi Dench was great but it’s time to go trans. Q will also be handicapped. I have a lot of diversity quotas to meet or Amazon will fire me.”
The new Bond film is expected to release this November and is already expected to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, not because of its quality but because of the diversity of its cast.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?