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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The US House of Representatives is scheduled to vote on a healthcare bill that, if passed, will legalize Clinton-assisted suicide in all 50 states. The bill is expected to pass easily in the Democrat majority house after which the bill will move to the Senate chamber for final approval.

The bold new bill, which experts are calling a major win for civil rights, will award the Clinton family a veritable license to kill. They will be legally certified to terminate the elderly, disabled, comatose, and politically inconvenient at their own discretion.

“Many people don’t want to be alive,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “We can’t force people to live, especially those who are close to exposing government secrets. Being a whistleblower or independent journalist is an obvious cry for help. They are literally saying ‘please kill us’ and who are we to tell them they can’t shoot themselves twice in the back of the head?”

If the bill goes to the senate it will likely pass only with the help of a tie-breaking vote by VP Kamala Harris. The VP has already voiced approval for the bill and has described suicide as a “time when people kill themselves and that time is every day.”

Republican leaders have decried the bill as “the legalization of murder” and a “dangerous blow in the heart of democracy.” House Democrats have warned Republicans to stop criticizing the bill or they might end up committing suicide.

“If you guys keep up with this dangerous rhetoric you’ll probably end up committing suicide later,” Rep Adam Schiff warned. “As happy as that would make me, it’s not my choice. It’s yours.”

Sen Mitt Romney is currently the lone Republican in favor of the bill.

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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