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MEDINA, WA—After two years of demanding lockdowns and school closures, Bill Gates has asked the media to please standby for a few moments while his COVID story attempts to reboot.

“We just had no idea that it was really a disease of the elderly and not very deadly to kids,” said Mr. Gates. “In my defense, how was I to know? There weren’t any kids on Epstein island for us to study. I mean, not like elementary age. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to install updates.” 

Gates then stared blankly for several minutes as he downloaded new talking points for his COVID narrative. 

“…Anyway, as I was saying, the vaccine was ineffective, school closures were a terrible idea, and Ivermectin works! It’s what I’ve been saying all along, people! Time to get with it!” 

When asked what his plan is for moving forward and avoiding another health crisis, Gates replied: “The only way to stop another pandemic is with population control in Africa.” 

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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