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Hey, it’s Mother’s Day! That means it’s time to start thinking about shopping for Mother’s Day. But just because it’s the actual holiday, like, right now, doesn’t mean you can’t still get the special mother in your life something super thoughtful and caring.

Here are 11 things you can grab for her at the gas station on the way home from church. Like, right now. Hurry.


$10 worth of lotto scratchers – Nothing says “I love you” like a chance at being a millionaire. Classy!

A six-pack of Natty Ice and a pack of mom’s favorite smokes – Even classier!

For the big spender, get a gallon of gas – Not everyone can afford this one, but if you have the means, splurge a little. It’ll mean the world to her.

A 5-hour energy shot – Actually better go with a six-pack to give mom enough energy to get through the week.

A bottle of windshield washer fluid – Every time mom cleans a bug’s splatted guts off her windshield, she’ll remember your thoughtfulness.

A hot dog/fountain soda combo – Both a hot dog AND a soda? Boy, do you love this woman, or what!

A pair of nice speakers a nice man in the parking lot is selling out of his trunk – Seems legit!

One of those giant teddy bears that absolutely doesn’t scream “I forgot about Mother’s Day until this very moment and am compensating with a gigantic teddy bear.” – It doesn’t scream that, at all.

A prepackaged egg salad sandwich that expired 2 weeks ago – The way to the heart is through the stomach!

Four Loko – So mom can go loco tonight!

Chick tract you found in the bathroom – For the shopper on a budget. What better gift can you give that special mom in your life than eternal life? Hopefully she’ll do you a quick solid and accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior!


¡Arriba, arriba! ¡Ándale, ándale!


This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?


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