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EDINBURGH—Karine Jean-Pierre turned heads on Thursday when she was declared Jen Psaki’s successor. She is the nation’s first gay black woman to fill the position, but author JK Rowling has said she always imagined the White House Press Secretary that way.

Rowling, who is a raging transphobe, told reporters that she envisioned the press secretary as a tough-as-nails homosexual African-American from the very beginning—since according to the Harry Potter author, people expose their own biases when they assume a press secretary is a straight white person by default.

“How dreadfully dull!” she exclaimed, nearly spilling her tea.

“This is a major win for the LGBTQ+ community,” said Jen Psaki, relieved to discover she had apparently never been press secretary. “I’m so glad history has finally caught up with the progressive imagination of JK Rowling. I look forward to the praise I’ll bestow upon the new Press Secretary with my objective reporting at MSNBC.”

President Joe Biden was asked by reporters why JK Rowling, a foreign national, had any authority over the White House Press Secretary. “Look, because she’s part of the Illuminati. No, I’m serious! You think I’m in charge of anything? None of this is real, folks! Not a joke!”

“Expeliarmus!”

Dr. Jill Biden then shushed the president and rocked him gently to sleep.


This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?


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