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NEW YORK, NY—After feminists around the country vowed to stop having sex, men across the nation have remained blissfully unaware anything has changed.
“Huh? Who stopped having sex?” responded every man told of the development. “Wow, I had no idea. Good for them, I guess?”
The so-called ‘sex strike’ had been launched by leftist women in response to the potential overturning of Roe v. Wade. “The right is trying to create this dystopian world where sex has some connection to pregnancy and babies,” explained pro-abortion protester Lona Malachi. “Pregnancy is basically making a woman your slave, just like in The Handmaid’s Tale. So as long as sex has anything to do with babies, we simply won’t have it!” she exclaimed, before attempting to inhale air without taking in oxygen.
Despite the clarion call for an end to sex from female media personalities and politicians, surveys have shown that absolutely zero men have been affected. “Our research indicates the strike has not hit the intended target,” said sociology professor Sharon Young. “The nation’s cats, however, have reported a general increase in angry yelling by their owners.”
At publishing time, liberals were calling for a hunger strike until it becomes legal for doctors to suck food out of your stomach so eating doesn’t risk leading to digestion.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?