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MOSCOW, ID—To accommodate people who prefer sprinkling donuts with coffee instead of fully immersing their donuts in coffee, Dunkin’ Donuts recently announced plans to open new branches of their popular donut shops in communities with a large number of practicing Presbyterians.

“We have long been aware that a sizable demographic within the Presbyterian community has been negatively affected by our insensitivity, and for that, we commit to do better,” stated Jade Wade, a marketing executive for the newly formed Sprinklin’ Donuts. 

Early reports say that congregations across the nation are gearing up for this historic day, calling it “an overdue salve for a painful indignity”. Local Presbyterian Lance Green expressed a bittersweet sentiment: “We already fought for people to call us ‘paedobaptists’ and stop shortening it to ‘paedos’—for the beverage community to finally accommodate us is good, but late.” Others shared a more hopeful outlook: “Finally, a place for us!” and “Dunkin’ Donuts refuses to dunk the Munchkins, but the new Sprinklin’ Donuts will sprinkle even their bite-sized Munchkins!”

At publishing time, Jade Wade and the executive team at Sprinklin’ Donuts had called an emergency meeting to reevaluate the entire plan after being informed that the Greek word “baptizo” literally means “to immerse.”

This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?

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