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SANTA ANA, CA—Three-year-old Sean Lima checked himself into rehab this past week due to a crippling Pepperidge Farm Goldfish addiction, according to sources. The stay in rehab follows a mandatory court order after the child was taken to the ER with a stomach ache that turned out to be a goldfish cracker overdose.
The young boy will be seeing a counselor daily and participating in group therapies to assist him with the detox process.
“Goldfish addiction is no joke,” said Dr. Milano, head of the St. Jude Rehabilitation Clinic For Youths. “We take his condition very seriously. Though I can’t discuss this patient specifically, I can say that it’s very possible an addict can take months to get clean.”
Sean Lima will reportedly face a large number of withdrawal symptoms on his quest for goldfish sobriety. Symptoms include milk cravings, tantrums, diarrhea, and, in some rare cases, starving to death.
“I’m currently in touch with state senators to see about passing legislation to ban goldfish crackers,” continued Dr. Milano. “We have over fifty patients at any given time. This is ten times worse than the opioid epidemic.”
According to sources, Sean Lima has made three escape attempts so he can get what the addicts call “Goldies.” He was last apprehended while attempting to score crackers off a homeless man in a back alley.
The Lima family is requesting donations via GoFundMe to help pay for their child’s rehab stay.
This man shared misinformation online, so the Ministry of Truth — err, sorry, the Disinformation Governance Board — detained him for questioning. Will he stand strong in the face of torture?