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CHOCTAW, OK—Local fat man Nicolas Craig has reportedly been frustrated by his inability to lose weight despite neither dieting nor exercising.

The 38-year-old father of four was spotted complaining about his predicament to Nancy, the lady at Golden Corral who refills the mashed potatoes.

“It’s tough,” he said while helping himself to seconds. “I don’t have time to go to the gym or figure out what calories are. I basically lay around all day and eat whatever I want—but I still can’t lose any weight!”

“Forget COVID. This is a pandemic.”

According to sources, Nancy once suggested he skip the gravy if he wanted to lose some weight and Craig looked at her like she was insane.

Craig’s family has repeatedly tried to encourage him, say colleagues, but he politely refuses. One day his wife got on her knees and begged him to just try it out for a few days—he just smiled and shook his head.

“Barbara, my sedentary lifestyle couldn’t take it. I’d have to get up and move my body if I exercised,” he lovingly said. “That would be ridiculous.”

At publishing time, Craig has given up trying to lose weight by not dieting or exercising. He still eats whatever he wants but he’s less stressed about it now.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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