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VALENCIA, CA—When Nick Samuels took his wife out for their weekly date night on Monday, he was pleased to hear that she was flexible on restaurant destinations.

“Wherever you want, honey—I had a late lunch so I’m not too picky tonight.” Excited by his wife Nicholette’s flexibility, Mr. Samuels started rattling off local favorites, including a popular Texas-style BBQ joint, a Korean BBQ joint, and a burger place called Meats, Meats & More Meats. Early reports indicate that his wife was lying when she said “whatever you want” as she cut him off at the knees while they were still in the parking lot, insisting that she didn’t have a preference but she “had hoped for a vegetable or two.”

“What about that Italian place we love? The owner sometimes comes by to check on us – you like that, right?” Mr. Samuels had begun looking frazzled, according to eyewitnesses, as he had started driving but realized he still did not have a destination. His lying wife expressed concern about the indecisiveness, which sources say caused a panicked flurry of restaurant recommendations, ranging from Five Guys to Taco Bell and more.

At publishing time, Mr. Samuels could not be located for comment as he had pulled into a gas station to play Temple Run in the bathroom, leaving his wife with instructions to “text me when you decide on a place.”


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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